Erik Logan Visits Toonalook
SPECIAL REPORT: World Surf League top banana Erik ‘ELO’ Logan has been secretly embedded in the humble surf village of Toonalook for the last week, Ding Alley has learnt today.
While it’s unclear how Mr Logan managed to circumvent current international travel restrictions, it’s believed the purpose of his visit – scouting vital content for the WSL Studios’ many and varied series of productions – has qualified him for exemption under the Humanitarian Services Act.
Regretfully, the Toonalook mission appears to have been in vain, with the only storylines of note generated during evening role-play workshops conducted in Mr Logan’s suite at the Toona Gardens Budget Motel.
For readers not familiar with the WSL’s agenda, professional surfing’s governing body, unfulfilled by merely running contests, set itself the task of ‘owning’ as much of surfing’s cultural and storytelling space as possible. It’s worth bearing in mind that this plan was activated well before COVID-19 put the brakes on international competition,
Those who’ve tuned in to the WSL’s free-to-view, technically-brilliant competition webcasts over recent years have doubtless seen promotions for several WSL-produced programmes aiming to cover surfing’s spectrum beyond the competitive arena. Here are just a few:
‘Brilliant Corners’ visits rarely-seen coastlines and communities such as PNG, Madagascar and India, and contains uplifting scenes of Caucasian visitors high-fiving local youngsters – eyes wide with excitement, and in some cases, malnourishment.
‘Unboxing things with Koa Smith.’ A series dedicated to the unwrapping of shiny new products and conceived, presumably, as perfect counterpoint to ‘Brilliant Corners’. One episode is synopsized on the WSL site thus: “Koa Smith opens up, rides, and almost lands a backflip on a fresh Hubboards boogie board that basically breaks the Shaka Scale. He then catches and releases a pesky backyard rat with a new humane trap.”
‘Transformed.’ Tales of the intensely healing power of surfing: where the more wartorn / minoritised / bleak the setting, the better to demonstrate the magical elixir of waveriding.
Such productions that capture surfing’s nuance are in constant need of replenishing, hence Mr Logan’s undercover sojourn to the sleepy East Coast hamlet.
As this internal WSL memo reads: “The archetypal surf town of Toonalook, with its rich cast of surfing characters, is sure to provide compelling material for several of our WSL Studios series.”
To Ding Alley’s understanding, Mr Logan’s efforts to source tales of salty authenticity have been thwarted at every instance, with surfing seeming to occupy a distinctly unremarkable place in Toona’s social fabric.
“Yeah, that Seppo caaarrnt with the teeth hit me up last Tuesday,” notorious local enforcer Barry Cornell told Ding Alley. “Asked me if I knew of any Down Syndrome kids nearby who’d be up for a surf lesson with a Pommy longboarder, or if there were any reffos in the area he could get the Gudaskas brothers to run a second-hand board-drive for.”
“Told the Caaarrnt to Fark Orf back to Disney-Farken-Land, Farken Seppo Caaarrnt.”
Josh Cassidy, local electrician, found himself in conversation with the Santa Monica creative powerhouse while attending a callout to Toona Gardens Budget Motel.
Noticing Cassidy’s canine companion ‘Nugget’ barking genially from the Hilux tray, Logan enquired how often Toonalook’s dog owners strapped their pets into life vests, paddled them out on longboards and posted clips on Instagram of their hounds “enjoying the glide”.
“I told ‘im, nah mate, dogs here just hang out, eat and chase each other 'round, ya know, do what dogs do… But it’s like he didn’t hear me, just started bangin’ on about how if ya can strap a pair of sunnies on ya dog surfing ya get heaps more shares and likes or whatever.
“That’s when he tried to whack his sunnies on Nug’s noggin.
“Deadset mate, I’ve never seen Nug seriously go someone like that hey.”
Wherever the architect of surfing’s global narrative has turned, Toonalook’s surfing populace has provided nothing but disappointment.
The area’s female surfers, for instance, insist on wearing wetsuits and turning their boards, thus breaking every rule in the WSL’s social media rulebook, where lithe cross-steppers wearing as little as possible on tiny runners garner pervy eyeballs while still ticking the #empowerment box.
To compound matters, surfers of both sexes and all ages have been observed regularly picking up plastic off the tideline and placing it in carpark bins without being compelled to first instagram a mandala of the detritus whilst bleating about awareness and ‘being the change’.
“What kind of madness is this?” Mr Logan was heard wondering aloud, “I’ve got a roster of surfers who’ll fly thousands of miles to make a plastic mandala on a beach in Bali and raise awareness about our fragile planet.”
And though it cannot be confirmed, anecdotal reports have Mr Logan co-operating with local law enforcement after approaching young surfers outside ToonaPies Bakery and asking to film them unboxing some prototype WSL surf-action figurines.
Mr Logan’s hopes for a ‘Transformed’ episode were raised one morning witnessing several of Toona’s Koorie contingent tearing a backbeach bank, but when approached on exiting the water, charismatic Koorie spokesperson Jarrah Day sighed, smiled wearily, and said, “Yeah… Nah mate …”
Perhaps the only ray of light was found in a brief carpark exchange with area realtor Matty Sherman, where a common history of relentless self-improvement, penchant for dental veneers, and the core strength brought about by SUP paddling was candidly shared.
A leaked email reporting back to WSL headquarters from Mr Logan indicates the level of his frustration.
“Toonalook adds no content of value to the WSL’s representation of surfing. Though the men, women, girls and boys of this area appear to enjoy their surfing very much, I have seen no evidence of it empowering anyone to ‘find their voice by speaking truth to power’. No-one unboxes products to camera and young surfers of all races and creeds appear indifferent to my high-fiving overtures.
“I fear we must abandon Toonalook as a lost cause: Surfing plays a large role in many lives here, yet no-one feels the need to convert it into any useful currency.
“‘Content’ here appears to be an adjective, rather than a noun, and as such is useless for our purposes.”
In an interesting late development, however, local soul surfer Shane Reid reports seeing Mr Logan late yesterday afternoon with a freshly purchased 6’2” Toonastix shooter under one arm, carton of Toona Ale longnecks under the other, swag and supplies strapped to his back, determinedly marching in the direction of the National Park’s deserted stretch of beaches.
This latest confirmed sighting of Toonalook’s illustrious visitor suggests his quest for Content may still be in progress.
“Sold him an ounce of bush buds, by the way,” smiled Shane.
// DING ALLEY
Ding Alley is Illustrator David @maccatoons McArthur and aspiring writerer Gra Murdoch. This article is looooong enough already, so no longwinded reminisces this time round!
Comments
ahhhh..... so good !
barry cornell tells it how he see's it . classic
to borrow and butcher a good line from Bruce Springsteen's seminal .Born To Run ,
"the surfers down here don't post nuthin' at all they just surf, and let it all BE!"
Clearly Toonalookers are doing it all wrong.
Gold but sadly incorrect,
He's here scouting sites for an AFL hub style conclusion to the WSL season.
Other contenders the Tulula Tub and Adelaide Oval?
Just as well bazza never twigged.
I love you Ding Alley
Thanks very much , guys.
“Deadset mate, I’ve never seen Nug seriously go someone like that hey.”
Haha! Brilliant. Cheers!
Beauty mate.
"The area’s female surfers, for instance, insist on wearing wetsuits and turning their boards..."
So good.
Best yet
Fantastic. I think Paleo Pete should visit Toonalook soon to spruik his wares
haha. Ripper!
Best yet! Cheers guys
No mention of an "Acai Bowl" anywhere in Toonalook either ? and I thought I was the only one that thought Koa Smith was a utter total wanker (guy can tuberide but jeeze shut up "dude"-please)
Thanks Ding Alley, this might be the best work to date IMO
Best one yet I reckon.
Yes please - chuckled along to that ... tops
Brilliant. Living in a small surf town, I'm constantly matching these characters to real people here. We have two Barry Cornells, and a Matty Sherman. Wonder if Toona has any foil boarding SUP idiots? Faaarken hope not!
What breed dog is Nugget? I'm a sparky with a hilux and my kelpie needs to know!
... bit of background on Nug mate: https://www.swellnet.com/news/swellnet-dispatch/2020/05/12/surfer-presu…
Best one yet.
The wozzle abandoning Toonalook haha ,, they'll be back. "salty authenticity" be damned . Elo was just scouting locations for the VIP areas
Excellent again boys. So relatable. Thank you for another good laugh.
FYI: ELO is actually a recent "drinker of the Cool-Ade", ie seduced by "the dark side", yep, a SUP paddler! (note: I intentionally did not write SUP surfer, because that is an oxymoron)
Say no more!
Is Toonalook inundated with the scourge of the SUP subset too!?
Have I got some recent ripper stories if you're interested, that are hilarious encounters, but would make any experienced surfer's hair stand on end, with these, (as politely as I can muster), vast majority, clowns.
yep best one yet, sums it up perfectly.
Jarrah Day completely captures my feeling towards WSL . Yeah ...... Nah !
"eyes wide with excitement, and in some cases, malnourishment."
Almost spat my coffee out. Cruel but funny.
Absolutely hilarious! Best one yet.
Harsh, yet quite a fair piss-take on WSL.
Hit it over the fence again, fellas.
So good, nailed it once again.
Absolute classic!!!!
+1 Zen, this had me reaching for the sponge. So good!
laughed till l cried have to agree gotta be the best one and its such a high standard of writing to beat
The WSL is slowly morphing into an AI bot that just spams idyllic So Cal insta lifestyles reflecting 0.01% of and ultimately divorcing itself from the global surfing population, with the final effect of losing its core surfer market and causing depression, anxiety, jealousy and insecurity in ordinary people.
Thanks for highlighting the pro-surfing phenomena as a concept entirely devoid of a sense of irony.....or humour. I am so glad the women's surfing attire got a mention. I was beginning to wonder if it was just me. I have been struggling to understand the purpose of the obligatory 'almost g-string' that the women in all those freesurfing/longboarding clips are obliged? coerced? choose? to wear.
Very good.
“where a common history of relentless self-improvement, penchant for dental veneers, and the core strength brought about by SUP paddling was candidly shared.”
... what a pearler
Nice article and good “Content”. Putting two and two together Gra, Only know one Ding alley which I grew up surfing, and one Gra that might match...Looks like that ounce could get some help from Larry Lungfucker if Larry is still alive.
Oh God. Larry Lungfucker! What naughty youngsters we were! (Jesus, can't believe we texta'd everyone's names down the stem of that beast) ... sling us an email gramurdochis(at)outlook.com if ya wanna! cheers!
Great stuff...
I'm gaining quite an affection for the village and townsfolk of Toonalook.
Ha. Spellcheck changes Toonalook to Too aloof!
Bit of a cheap shot at EL, What happened to pseudonyms, Gra?
I think a pseudonym would be futile mate, it would obviously be the head cheese of the Woz, thinly veiled. And as opposed to the everyman / archetype, this chap wields enormous personal power over significant elements of something I cherish, so I'm perfectly comfortable with holding him up to the scrutiny of satire. Cheers.
Oh my, third read and it just gets funnier. Supreme pisstake!!
Yep, the more you read the better it gets! And that cartoon, haha!
Top shelf piss take
“He then catches and releases a pesky backyard rat with a new humane trap” hahaha classic
Thank you for telling the truth, I thought I was the only one that felt that way. Love your work guys, Look forward to reading your stuff every time. Piss funny
Just catching up.
Belly laughs all along. Poignant piss takes everywhere.
Thanks heaps fellas!
Forgot how good this one was.
Ding Alley laugh out loud in public, folk staring + Macca, so good.
I love that Elo's outfit is beige, so befitting.
lol, great stuff
congrats to all involved. dense with no-holes-barred ozzie surf satire... absolutely loved it! congrats again...eeuuuwww
So, so good. We need you back, Ding Alley!
And where's the book? C'mon publishers, pull your finger out!
The pinnacle of pro surf comps is when they called it off at Fiji in 2012? When it was to big to hold the contest, but they free surfed with the live feed still going, we all knew who won that day, SURFING, and even me stuck at home watching won, I was pretty fuckin excited, not like now
Maybe ELO can retire to Toonalook.
Waste away his days in Bazza's [BnB] shed with Shano's bush buds.
Last seen leaving Toonas' Centrelink office and heading towards the bottlo with the $20 he scored from hocking his SUP at Cashies.
A well written, funny and uniquely Aussie beatdown, The best 'editorial' about the WSL ever thanks to Gra Murdoch for this fine piece. Hopefully Starkey will get the nod and get in there and do things better. He's got the balls to ride big waves and can manage the WSL. The only events worth watching are big Pipe, Big Teahupoo, Nazare and Peahi. The rest of the events are pretty boring IMO.
I hope Elo reads this.
I can't help but wonder how Gonad Man might have reacted upon a chance encounter with Elo?
I would give Elo a well deserved teabaging. ;)
I doubt Elo’s gob would stretch that wide, but it would be nice to try. Keep on keeping it real Naddsy!
Kelly's mid season tear jerking end of the world drama fooled no one!
Toons held their poison pen...never sold out...refusing to chew down on their WSL rancid bait pack.
Gra was sniffing out bigger trouble ahead...Brazzo El Rancho Shoot Out ...
Cometh the Walt Disney Surf Crisis (Kaboom!) Cometh the Toonalookers to steal the Jester's Crown.
Toonalook classmates hassled hodad tbb to cue an entirely inappropriate ageist track for Gra!
Think it's meant to show our appreciation for our Booster dose of #1 swellnet humour...Welcome Back!
Love it! The serendipity of the anniversary of the article makes me feel really “content”.
Despite being written 3 years ago it’s a beautiful obituary.
Perhaps even Elo can find something real with a bag of buds in the natio and a new 6’2”. Hopefully theres no reception there.
Thanx to dawnperiscope for bringing up that 3 year theme...
Just reading Steve's reimagining and 3 years too early with the unboxing is now central to the theme.
Add that Craig & Stu keep diggin' up WSL wave pools before they hatch...
#1 swellnet are truly ahead of the game...Salute!
Equally Spooky claim...We know wot swellnet soothsayers did last threepeat!
Crew's telepathic link to inhouse clairvoyant Steve...
https://www.swellnet.com/news/swellnet-dispatch/2023/07/05/farewell-elo…
Stu's delusional Starkie epiphany...instantly wettin' our boardies.
"After speaking to someone who knows" ... Like that is way too Cryptic...did Stu summon Huey!
"Head kickin' Qldurr is not posh enough to give a fuck!"...fellow Qldurrz all say aye...ONE OF US!
Stu's Forum...continued...
thermalben / 1st July comment on 1st WSL CEO...that also chimes in around the 3 year CEO theme!
Thanx for sharing that Ben...relevant to wotz goin' down...swellnet are unravelling more each day!
#1 swellnet soothsayers are blowin' our tiny minds...we are not worthy!
https://www.swellnet.com/news/swellnet-dispatch/2023/06/30/erik-logan-d…