Lard
This healthy eating message was brought to you by blindboy.
Lard! And I'm not talking about that late 80s post punk band Jello Biafra formed with Al Jourgensen from Ministry since that would inevitably lead to a critical analysis of such seminal works as "I Wanna Be A Drug Sniffing Dog" and to the proper placement of his work with Lard in the greater scheme of Jello's career. I mean PhD's have been devoted to analysing the relative merits of "California Uber Alles", his vehement denunciation of 70s California Governor Jerry Brown versus "The Last Scream Of The Missing Neighbours" his searing demolition of Reagan era politics. We have to know our limits. A surf site is no place for such intellectual challenges.
No, the lard I intend to discuss is the familiar, colloquial lard of such expressions as "lardarse", though the belly, rather than the arse, is the most popular location for the accumulation of lard on the surfer's body. So if your attachment to your own personal lard is as emotional as it is physical, best stop here. Go back to the surf reports. Somewhere out there, right now, is a wave worth surfing. Go find it!
OK, here we are then, amongst the like-minded. Lard bellied or lean, we know lard for what it is; the surfer's worst enemy. It reduces the power to weight ratio in paddling and performance, lowers cardiovascular efficiency and terminates any chance of "Hey baby! How about it?" ever again working as a pick-up line. If you doubt this, look at the pros. Compare their abs to the average, calculate their BMI and compare it to, well anyone you choose. Consider that, emerging from such a lard free body, even "Hey baby! How about it?" has some hope of attracting that nubile young thing strolling along the low tide line.
Oh yes, lard is the curse of the surfing classes, it slows the bottom turn, bogs the cutback, turns rodeo clowns into ordinary clowns and lowers the tone of the whole culture. Once we were lean. Just about all of us. And it is not age alone that we can blame. Not when so many 30 year olds are carrying an extra 10 or 15 kg. Never has the average (male) surfer cut a less distinguished figure. Not even a top to toe coating of neoprene can hide the obscene expansion of our lard. Nor will even a 9'6" Malibu get your wave count to where it should be.
If I had a single business oriented neuron in what remains of my cerebral cortex, I would, at this point be pitching my miracle weight loss product or my, very expensive, services as your elite personal trainer. Instead, I'm giving it away free because this is not about you or me. It is about our whole culture. We are surfers. We can't all be young, we can't all rip the lip out of six foot HT's, but we can all be leaner than we are. We can be the exception in the age of obesity. Where is your pride? Cut out the cake, hold the cheese, skip maccas, things don't go better with 1.5 litres of sugary swill lodged in your gut. Try three, as in 1,2,3, meals a day. Do not throw another prawn, sausage, steak or unidentified smallgoods product on the barbie. No, that 15 minute jog on the weekend will not solve the problem. Nor will the herbal milkshake, the ginseng enema or even the week at the health resort. And don't blame your genes. What did you weigh at 21? You had the same genes then. So give yourself a shake (metaphorical not milk), eat less, eat better. It works. //blindboy
Comments
I'm 45, 6ft tall and 94kg. I should be 84kg.
I surf at least 3-4 times a week. Go to gym, do my bike, circuit, treadmill then swim a click.
I don't snack, eat 3 meals a day.
Now, if I could just give up the beer.....
'effing beer, she's a cruel mistress.
Zen, you must be a long lost twin of mine that I never knew I had.
That mistress is delicious. I'm not giving it up for a few kilo's. I put it down to middle age spread. It is like death and taxes. A must have.
... or else we could aspire to surfers such as Mick Lowe, Jordy (from 2 years ago), or of course, everybodys fav Bali expat, Jimbo Pellegrine:
https://chubstr.com/2011/features/jimbo-pellegrine-proves-that-fat-guys-…
Good article Blindboy. I wholeheartly agree I've lost 33kg in the last 12 mths and my surfing sure has benefited. I still have a rumbo or two on occasion, just means an extra hour in the surf to burn a few more calories lol.
I don't think BMI is a good indicator as I am 6' 1" 91kg and sit at about 10-11% bodyfat. BMI would have me as obese.
I think the point you are trying to make is a great one and we all should strive to be as healthy as we can be, we will live longer and most likely be happier. All things in moderation including the dare I say it "diet" we need to enjoy life so the odd drink and "extra shrimp" is ok as long as we balance it with common sense. Surfing is great exercise and burns approx 350 -400 cals per hour, so lets all surf more!!!
Hows those dimensions on Jimbo's boards there monk.
7'0 x 24" x 3 3/4"
Fuck it- I'm gonna really let myself go now.
Try as you might to fight, this is the modern world. Which lends to a growing globe of folks taking the easy route.
And as this mod con world continues to provide product that makes life more productive, and with less effort, the ever growing posses of SUPPIE puppies gravitating to shorter, thicker sleds guarantees,... fatties will continue with the take over.
This boy IS blind.
Blind Boy fails to note. In a mod con world there are choices...
'eh, Hippie Mike?
So, Move it, fatties.
Move it straight away to the full buffet. Which now conveniently consists of jet propelled surf craft.
But..but...Jello Biafra eats hamburgers:
Big Jim can get away with pork barrelling in Bali where it's warm and you don't need a wetsuit. In the land of the field worker there's even cultural benefits attached: fat means wealth means power. There's no way lard arses living in cooler climes can let it go Big Jim-style in skin tight neoprene and still pull rank.
Take a look in the mirror you hideous beasts.
Memo to Jack O'Neill: start beta testing a wetsuit mu mu.
Is a wetsuit necessary when you have the equivalent blubber reserves to an elephant seal?
so good..love it! just do a few push-ups/sit-ups/day. just cut back a little bit on calories (bourbon or WA wine not beer) and you'll be paddlin like owen wright in no time
wasnt maynard from tool in jello biafra?
nah that was 'green jello'...
Culinary arts!
And as it is with everything, it's all in the preparation.
Can't wait for the Swellnet meditation and yoga series...
Too much earnestness is barely enough.
Doubt if anyone would eat lard these days but look closely at the saturated fat levels in all processed foods. Mmmmm fats as Homer would say.
Dieticians will tell you to eat 5 times a day to keep the metabolism on an even keel. The key is to eat low fat and sugar foods so that rules out most processed supermarket foods.
Snigger and make jokes if you like about having a beer gut but take a look around you. How many obese men and women do you see in your daily life over say 60? Your choice, want to live a healthy independent life into your 50s, 60s and 70s then eating right is very important. It really is that simple.
Finally, this notion that if you go to the gym and weigh a few kgs more than you should its okay. Exercise has many benefits but weight loss is generally not one of them. Its diet.
summed up perfectly.
Is this serious? I thought I must have been redirected to the cosmo or dolly website. For fucks sake guys isn,t visser doing something or even more world tour fluff?, at least it may be marginally less metro than this weight watching crap, call yourselves "surf" journalists?
Well mike I can only apologise if you consider advice on how to improve your surfing to be outside the scope of "surf journalism". As I tried to make clear in the article,the message is that there are a lot of surfers out there who could dramatically improve their performance by shedding their lard. It's a sensitive subject for a lot of people so I tried, but in your case clearly failed, to make it amusing. Consider me appropriately humbled!
Mmmmmm saturated fats. I love the Simpsons way too much.
Two scenes come to mind involving Homer and saturated fats ....
Marge rings Homer who is feeling down to ask if she can buy him anything at the shops. He replies "can you get me a roast chicken, one with double skin".
Homer answers the door to Slema and Patty. Slema greets Homer by calling him Saturated Fats while Homer reaches behind him to grab a grinder and says "come here and I grind some ugliness off your face"
I guess I'm off topic here but Homer did like his food, preferably fatty. Sorry!
Simpsons references are always welcome.
Pure Chewing satisfaction
Pure Chewing satisfaction
A healthy eating message from Homer just in time for Christmas
Homer: So, you think you know better than this family, huh? Well, as long as you're in my house, you'll do what I do and believe what I believe! (it turns out that he is talking to Bart) So butter your bacon!
Bart: Yes, Father.
Lisa: (walking in) Mom, Dad, my spirital quest is over!
Homer: Hold that thought... (to Bart) Bacon up that sausage, boy!
Bart: But, Dad, my heart hurts! (Homer glares at him, Bart reluctantly wraps a slice of bacon around his sausage and eats it)
Lisa: I'm a Buddhist!
Homer: What? That's it, no more chat rooms for you!
Good words floyd, knowledge is power
It's simple really- feed your body with bad food and you will most likely feel sluggish, get sick often and easily and not have the energy to surf for very long.
On the other hand if you fuel your body with fresh healthy and clean foods that are a mix of quality protein and complex carbohydrates you will feel and see the difference. You will notice it in your weight, your body tone, your hair, skin, nails and your overall energy level and mood.
Like blindboy says shed the lard and watch your surfing performance improve.
@whaaat. That was really funny. Thanks for taking the time to quote Homer!
Thanks Rusty. Virgil and the Aeneid next.
Hey Mike the blindboy, you are not fooling anyone with that handle, mate...
You mushroom munching hippie you. ;-)
- don't mind if I use my real monicker do you Mike? Lovely article mate, pertinent and newsworthy though a little on the schoolmasterly side.
.....schoolmasterly? Shit I was trying for sergeant majorly!
finger waving Manto .. I can see it in the words
......finger waving? God I'm going soft I was hoping for slightly demented, red faced tub thumping. Time to toughen up, on with the 30kg rucksack and off to the wilderness for a month.
Hippie Mike, aka blind melon,
Check the latest from Lewis. Not by name, but it seems he's mentioned us both.
https://www.surfermag.com/features/culture-of-cool/
On a second note, Mantalos?... Is that Greek for manteca?
Keep on tap dancing, bru.
.......sorry to lead you this far up the garden path but I thought you would have figured it out by now.....I am not Mike!
I thought this was a Lard Hamilton story?
Blind boy, forgive me for mistaking you for Flower Mike. Aka. Lard Cameltoe.