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Steve Shearer April 04, 2009

Good evening Brothers and Sisters. Peace be with you.

Today the deepening controversy surrounding Obama and the Two State Solution for the Middle East as well as all religious undertones and overtones relating to the Christian and Jewish faiths must take a backseat to a larger and more pertinent crisis. I speak, of course, about the explosive revelations unleashed here regarding the Slater/Maurice Cole partnership and it's possible repercussions back in the seat of the surfing industry: California.

Team Slater weren't happy with the 24 hour media cycle yesterday and the way events unfolded viz-a-viz the whole Cold War secrecy and backroom deal politics of putting surfboards under the feet of the nine time champ who is fighting history from both ends of the spectrum. Which is to say, his own aging process and the assault of the New Gen.

The Pros have become so used to dealing with fawning PR people and magazine articles written by Blondehead Bunsberry from Buttfuck Nowheresville who wants to, you know, get on board the gravy train and just....hang. Just hang and absorb the million watt star power of the Elite. That kind of writing and approach, by definition really, precludes asking a question which might, and I mean might, just put someone in a compromising position. In simple parlance: you're either with us or against us.

Slater put the heat on my photog comrade this morning. Telling him it might be a good idea to 'tone down' the coverage. The clear implication was that I had sexed up the intelligence regarding the Maurice board and that Fortress Merrick was a long way from crumbling into the San Andreas fault, or brazenly crested by barbarians with burning oil or something. Just for the record: Slater was scintillating in Round One today on the Merrick we named Sled 1. The board works, alright. If the surf stays small then Slater and Teebs are lay down miseres.

Miss Gilmore took out Sophia Mulanovich in the Women's Final. Why won't men take more notice of Women's Surfing? It doesn't matter because these sexist dinosaurs will soon be extinct and legions of girls, women, new mothers, and grandmothers will be paddling around everywhere changing everything forever. And the Old Dinosaurs will be busy figuring out ways to make money off of this phenomena, whilst secretly talking out the sides of their mouths at the Gentlemen's Club about things like 'oh, don't worry, it's only the girls surfing, we'll get there for the start of the mens'. Sometime surfing seems about as progressive as the Taliban.

I walked right up the reef before the start of the Mens Round One heats. Looking at rockpools and little crabs and green and black turbaned shells scuttling around. When I looked up from my reverie Andy Irons was right beside me. He looked different from the shambolic strawman who had stumbled and bumbled his way around the Gold Coast. Bigger. More of a man. I said, "Go get 'em Andy". He threw down a hoot and a shaka. His hand and voice had a slight trembling shake to them. He looked nervous.

God, I felt nervous for him.

Dane was behind him, running. He looked nervous too. He later revealed in a public interview (that I shamelessly poached) that he and Andy had both been suffering from anxiety and had forced the hand of contest director Dooma Hardman into starting the Round One heats. Dooma wasn't keen but faced with the performance anxiety of two highly strung racehorses the man said yes. As you would.

Dane, on his little MTF, pulled swallow, 5'8" went for a massive air with rotation and disappeared on landing in the whitewater, to emerge erect for a split second before being engulfed in turbulence. The judges didn't pay it. A man beside me, a professional film-maker who follows the tour, said loudly, "Thats bullshit, he made that".

Andy saw that punt, no doubt. I confirmed it with him in the post heat interview. What is significant here, sports fans, is the very next wave after Dane's. Andy did this: a committed bottom turn to grab-rail fin-waft reverse, which he stuck easily and then threw in some crazy body English layback thingo that made the judges take notice, that's for damn sure. It was a response to the call of the New Gen. A challenge answered and that was heart warming for those who were looking for signs of resurrection from the former Champ.

These early heats are invaluable for establishing a sense of hierarchy in the post heat media scrum. There were no signs of the Old Guard. No doubt sitting at home with a woollen blankie over their knees. I spoke to AI and thanked him for the entertaining performance. He said "Thanks brah." When Andy says "brah" he says it with his whole heart and soul. There's an emotional vulnerability to Andy that excoriates any cynicism. It's probably like receiving benediction from the Pope if you're a catholic.

I walked up the stairs with the man, tight. He was an entirely different human being to the Gold Coast Version. It was like someone had gone inside and turned the lights on. What I can tell you is that Andy has different boards to the Goldy and that they were shaped by a guy called Mike. Not Al.

Tomorrow could see a major dislocation. Everyones talking about it. AI and Kelly will sleep well. Too early to call whether AI can reverse the humiliation that Slater inflicted in him, pre sabbatical. The early signs are positive.

The Outsider - Day Four

The Outsider - Day Three 

The Outsider - Day Two

The Outsider - Day One