The Bourgeoisie Revolt
If you come to a fork in the road, take it - Yogi Berra.
Normally it's the peasants who revolt, as was the case in Soweto last week, where an angry mob went on the rampage, burning down the homes of two ANC councillors and torching their cars in protest over the soaring cost of electricity. But in this topsy turvy year of our lord 2011 we long-suffering surf fans have become accustomed to Pro Surfing turning the tables on accepted truths. Here we have a royal revolt, led by no shows from the greatest of all time and the undisputed best surfer in the world right now. Of course we dismiss conspiracy theories that six heats of Round 2 were run last night to effectively eliminate Slater from the comp and perhaps teach him a lesson. No, they had to run, despite the protestations of surfer rep Kieren Perrow.
It made a marvellous spectacle.
Truly.
Anyone doubting De Souza's World Title credentials must have had their minds changed by last nights performance: the bottom turn was aggressive and committed; the top turn fully rotated at top speed. Based on that and a semi-final finish or better, De Souza is on track to be the first Brazilian world champ. And that would seem a fitting finale to this year where too much weirdness is barely enough.
The irony may be that after Brazil finally claims a World Champ, the victory would be pyhrric, with the best in the world losing interest and pursuing other goals.
This is a cruel business.
Concerning a mountain of correspondence received over the GT question, and comparisons to the new kid Adam Replogle, I admit my position has now changed. Adam, or Poges as we call him in the business, has grown on me, with his jokey 100-proof manhood and slightly creepy lusty goat-like behaviour. It was after inserting himself as the meat in a foxy Capetown minx sandwich and running a few lines on them over the webcast that my opinion changed from disappointment to outright admiration. Keep it creepy Poges. And if your reading this - which I know you are - from one surfboard slut to another, keep that technical information coming brother. Enquiring minds need to know.
The undisputed highlight of the day, after the shock of seeing Trav-dog Logie where Slater's chrome dome and white wettie should have been, was the Owen Wright and Freddie P heat. There's rich history here and a mountain of resentment from Freddie P towards what he terms the "Golden Boy who can get scored an extra half-point" and whose testicles commentators have shown a fondness for gargling.
This is the rich vein Pro Surfing needs to mine. If I could quote again a recent conversation with the best critic pro surfing has ever seen, Derek Hynd, "There's no broad appeal hope for the sport until they take a look at what the crowd really wants to see."
"Which is what?"
"Which is phenomenal rivalry. Occy and Curren created the US boom in 85-86. Until there's full rivalry where no-one's dumbing down their opponent just to get the upper hand by being nice you won't get any progress".
Well, seen through that lens the Big O and Freddie heat was entertainment at it's finest. The heat started with both surfers sitting too deep in the line-up and absolutely immobile. Frozen. The effect was similar to witnessing the stone statues of Easter Island, or some modern art installation. It was unnerving but somehow completely compelling. Fifteen minutes passed, I could have sworn I held my breath the entire time. The re-start siren sounded and it seemed to spur Freddy into action. He caught a little runner that went nowhere and fell backwards, which seemed to release a spigot on a deep fountain of rage which was expressed in a series of animated gestures. It was very operatic, even from over two thousand miles away.
After that emotional overload Freddy went to work and caught a couple of waves, which he surfed well. He had Owen on the ropes, with the big O only having one wave in the bank. With a minute to go, Owen fell on a set and it looked like the game was over. You'll recall last year in Tahiti we noted Owen's propensity to do a "Bobby" and just sit there and do nothing as the clock ticked down? Yes. Well, Owen was hurt by those comments and has done a lot of hard mental work in coming to grips with strategies for pulling a heat from the jaws of defeat.
He did something audacious. With less than a minute to go, he suddenly swung around and with more urgency and movement than he had shown all heat he windmilled at full speed up the point, away from Freddy. What the...?, I thought. A bait and switch? No, surely not. But right before our very eyes, over the marvel of live webcast coverage, came a wave and Owen stroked into it, got to his feet and pumped down the line...."catch it Freddy!", I shouted. And he did, he freaking did. Which left Owen in the lineup with priority and a wave coming. He belted the bejesus out of it and snatched victory over the fired-up Hawaiian as the siren sounded.
Poges got the jist of the exchange in the post-heat interview and it was obvious that Freddy had lost some valuable follicular real estate from the stress of the heat.
Meanwhile, I am working hard to try and contact the King via email and phone to try and find out his take on the J-Bay no-show.
And the forecast for the local points is looking juicier and juicier.
Bloke could get used to this remote coverage caper.
Comments
That Mr Wright has the full mane thing happening must only add to FP's anguish.
Which he hides very well, methinks. If the WT ever lets him down, Freddy should consider the world poker tour.
Whereas the commentators should just try shutting up; I'm stupid, not fecking blind.
C'mon Shearer, sounds like your on the burgeoisie recliner..with a nice glass of port and your smoking jacket on !!
nary a cuss !!!
I'm enjoying these articles again Steve. Thanks. I don't have time to watch any of it at the moment so am making do with your brilliant musings.
I do have time however, to point out a little edit... You write above, in relation to the possibility of De Souza winning a title in the partial/full absence of Slater/Dane, that 'the victory would be pyhrric'. I think you can only say 'pyrrhic victory', as pyrrhic on its own pertains to a metrical foot of two unstressed syllables in poetry or, a greek dance imitating warfare. 'Pyrrhic victory' itself means a victory that incurs such massive losses on the victor that it becomes no victory at all. This would not be the case if De Souza won, I think all you are trying to say is that a De Souza title in these cirumstances would be a little hollow and lacking in credibility? Sorry to be a total wanker word nazi. It just seemed too wrong to let go and so forever sully your otherwise consistently high quality scratchings.
great read...I taped the surfing on MyStar but it did some shitty weird stuff and didnt tape it all and decided that just as the Owen and Freddy heat was to start, that it would cease to record anymore...so now that I have read this I am filthy, would have also have liked to know about this feeling and rivalry between these 2 earlier, Fark me SS, let me in on all this goss and stuff, its gunna make my viewing that much more enjoyable....keen to see the replay and the rest of the event baldy or not, just hope the waves really pump and I see some ripping...and fingers crossed the Brazil nut doesnt win, no matter how committed some of his turns might be, I much prefer some style...C'MON Joel....
Well played Grug......but a pyrrhic victory can also be a metaphor for pyschological damage done to a victor who realises too late his win doesn't carry the weight in respect he though it might.
As for individuals, as for whole nations like Brazil, who have a lot invested in Mineirhinho.
Jeebus!! Now that this forum has reached the exalted level of debating whether a word should used as an adjective as well as a noun, can I ask that the use of "your", "you're", "their", "there" and "they're" gets sorted as well?
Don't get me started on prepositions and possessive apostrophes....
And double negatives are an absolute no-no.
Pr obably best just to have left 'pyrric' out altogether- or at least swapped it for 'hollow' so we at least knew what the fk you were talking about. Big thanks to Grug for bringing a definition to back up today's word of the day.
hmmm. Well played you sir... I did not realise it could be used such. My bad. Debating poetics is a riot though. I agree with the sentiments of whaaaat and zenagain too. The language SS are in town Steve, better lay off of those brews just in case you catch our attention again and we have to drag you off to writing camp run and tutored by Chris Davidson and Bobby Martinez!
Will you declare the world champ "pyrric" if Joel wins this year?
"pyrric" next Scrabble night I will whip this one out! Thanks for that freeride and a damm good read too!
Great read! Crybaby Hawaiians. Freddy 'Sunny' P.
Does anybody have a URL for the heat discussed?
fishheadsushi, your happiness is my goal
https://billabongpro.com/jbay11/videos-view-gb/round-2-heat-5
Excellent read Mr. Shearer... more entertaining than the actual surfing actually. Looking fwd to meet u again in europe.
Pyhrric;
Learned something today!
@ whaaaat
Thank you. Happiness achieved
The priority tactic is frowned on and Freddy got fingered. Owen seemed quite pleased with himself. With good reason
I think you got him grug, it seems a weak attempt of his to cover up his mistake of using "pyrric" in place of "hollow". Trapped by his own lexiphanicism?
Entertaining article nevertheless, steve.
Well, if only freeride had used a capital 'P', then Pyrrhic would have been fine, sort of.
Of course, Pyrrhic is always used as metaphor, unless you were referring the victory of Pyrrhus over the romans many moons ago.
But I can live with it, in the sense that if de Souza wins the title this year, I don't think there will be anyone outside of Brazil who would suggest he is the best surfer in the world. Having used all his resources to win this year's title, I doubt he will earn the same level of respect that came with AI beating out Slater with both of them fully comitted to the goal.
Ah, words, only a writer knows the feeling.
As usual, always entertained by your wordsmithery Steve.
Steve,
Enjoyed another dissection.
The wheels seem to be popping off this tour thing with increasing rapidity.
I like how Jordan Smith (the energy drink cap guy who travels with daddy) tried to call Kelly out in the lead up to the no-show and the bluff calling was responded to with more beautiful big blue Fijian barrels being ridden. Poor bam bam and co were left to do their forced body ollies and ride the sinking ship into the bricks at Jbay.
Desouza can have the crown and fill it with acai berries and soiled bubble butt bikinis.
Peace friends.
@ rebel-tour
hah