The Outsider: Don't forget your change, Mister.
"And the band played on."
Ball of Confusion (That's what the world is today), The Temptations.
When we speak of Bells Beach we mean the reader to understand a unit of which the parts are a series of paddocks covered in dun-coloured grass, intersected by dirt roads which become dusty after the morning dew burns off.
Behind these paddocks lies a burgeoning urban sprawl fed by the groaning metropolis of Melbourne. The parts include a series of crumbling sandstone headlands and rocky reef shelves sloping into the green-grey sea and a big sky filled with a suffuse light strained through high clouds streaked from one end of the horizon to the next. The Mexican surfer has become adapted superbly to this ecological niche, being larger and more strongly constituted than his northern cousins.
Maybe you're driving in as the just-risen orange sun flames the fields in a smoky golden light and the Rolling Stones Gimme Shelter is playing on the radio. War, children, it's just a shot away. You see the lines stacked out past Bells and it could be 1969 all over again; long ponderous lines labouring into the bay after a journey from the Southern Ocean and around Cape Otway which seems to both refine them and exhaust them. The air is chilled and pungent with the sharp antiseptic smell of eucalypt and tea-tree. It's just a shot away. The blood quickens, sweetness and joy flood the soul until finally a feeling of mystic sorrow touches the heart because it's not 1969 and the innocence is gone, the shot has been fired. Surfing has had it's Altamont.
Still the band plays on. And the garbageman does his thing, just like Jordy. The garbageman in this instance, and definitely a vital component of the Bells Beach ecological whole is Carl. Carl is leaning against the bin like a Tahitian prince from a Gauguin painting, smoking a cigarette while John Florence is stringing one across from Rincon to the Bowl, laying into the opening layback carve with pure Hawaiian style. Like every other location to which he is a greenhorn he seems to immediately establish a sensual connection with the contour and opportunity of the wave.
"What's the story, Carl?"
"Not much, mate. Murdoch's fucked, eh?" He dragged on the cigarette and a wisp of smoke went drifting out over the ocean on the morning land breeze.
"Sell those News Corp shares," he advised sagely. In the ruthlessly enforced hierarchy of a Pro Surf contest Carl sits on the bottom rung. But damn he knows his current affairs.
In the flesh Double Juan is an impressive specimen, a far cry from the thin streak of pelican shit that he appears to be on the webcast. He's 6'1" around a buck eighty (80+ kilos) with broad, long, paddle-like feet that cover some serious real estate. He's no kid, that's for sure. Up close the shaved head now reveals a face that carries the scars of being brutalised by the lava pinnacles of the Pipeline. There's almost a sense of menace in the deep-set eyes. And yet when he opens his mouth out comes that goofy stream of Spicoli-esque patois. Could it be hiding something more ferocious within? Some motivating force more solid and directed? It must.
Without a private audience booked with the man-child I waited until the assembled hacks had cleared the area. It wasn't so difficult.
"You've had some absolutely bullshit competitive performances lately," I began, "your last-second win at Pipe against JOB and your performance at Margarets. You don't seem like a competitive person when you're talking [JJ laughs] but it's obviously in you. What's happening there?"
"Yeah, I think it's more when I get in the water. The time is counting down and you really don't wanna lose, you know. I have fun surfing with four guys in the water and when you get a good one you get so psyched."
"It's got to be a bit more than fun though. There must be some steely desire in you when that clock is ticking down."
"[long pause] Yeah, when that clock's ticking down and it's building up inside of you, you really wanna win that heat. I hate when I lose and then you think about it."
"So losing sits in you, it eats away at you?"
"Kinda, for a couple of days then I get over it."
"You had an amazing heat at Margarets with Kolohe, is there any sense of building rivalry between you?"
"Ummm, not really. I think everyone builds it up more than it is. We're good friends. That was a really good heat. I was actually nervous, he's the really good air guy. I got some really good scores and was just so happy."
"OK, you've obviously got all the skills and experience in heavy barrelling surf because of where you grew up. As far as airs and performance stuff, what would you consider the ideal wave to provide a ramp?"
"I think everyone has a personal preference there. Me, I like strong winds and bigger sections. It's harder for me when it's smaller. I'm not a good small wave surfer. I need something solid to go off of and lift me up."
"You seem to really boost when there's a big transition there, as opposed to generating speed and boosting."
"I think I'm just used to it growing up in Hawaii. You've always got some kind of wind and some kind of swell. Everything's just strong and powerful."
There it is: Inside this kid is a kind of McEnroe, a competitive animal masked by the ability to calmly utilise true power.
Missing Margaret River may have been a crucial miscalculation in Julian Wilson's title campaign. There was too much momentum gained by the successful competitors there. Julian didn't surf badly but he needs to defeat hard scrabble, spoiling journeymen like Kai Otton in clean, head-high rights if he is any chance for a title. He may recover this year and prove me wrong, but like Parko's Round 2 loss at Teahupoo last year, the feeling was strong that this was a moment he needed to master.
A snaggle-toothed waitress at the Torquay cafe I had repaired to for a coffee still got in a hot mess over a clearly distressed and confused Julian.
"If I was twenty years younger I'd be dragging him into the panel van," she drooled.
Being the object of honest middle-aged lust won't ameliorate the pain of a title slipping away for the petulant prince. Maybe J-Dub should shave the scone. Embrace baldness as a way of finding his inner mongrel.
Freddie P had a brain explosion against Bourez and still beat him with legendary meltdowns being exhibited by both surfers. Medina looked smooth and prog, while Kolohe was the best surfer in the event to get knocked in Round 2. Thats an anomaly that won't last long. He should bag an event in his rookie year.
As the wind and tide swung the women were sent in to surf. In fading golden light a little-heralded, lightly-sponnoed Kiwi goofyfoot dismissed Sage Erickson, one of the glamour girls from the USA. I caught up with Paige Hareb on the nearly deserted beach 'cause I've got a soft spot for Kiwi underdogs, cuz.
"That board's looking a little bare, Paige, what's the update on your sponsorship situation?"
"I lost my main sponsor at the end of last year and I haven't managed to get another one. I've got a couple of local businesses out of New Zealand sponsoring me, as well as boards from Mt Woodgee."
"What's your general assessment of the state of support out there for women's surfing?"
"I don't know. I guess it's looking pretty grim, but it is for the guys as well. Contest-wise the girls have got the least contests they've ever had. I guess it's just tough times for everyone."
"From the outside looking in it seems there's a split between the girls who are part-time bikini models and part-time surfers and the girls who are just athlete surfers. Is that something that's real?
"Um, it might seem like that but at the same time the girls who do wear the bikinis all the time and model can also rip. They're some of the top girls in the world. They do deserve that sponsorship. But for sure there's girls who don't like doing that sort of thing and they rip as well and they deserve sponsorship, too"
"Are you concerned that woman surfers may be valued more for how they look in a bikini than how they perform on a wave?"
"This is my fourth year on Tour and there's always been that question. They're surfing in bikinis and still ripping so who cares if people come to watch them because of their bikinis instead of their surfing."
Paige was diplomatic to a fault. But she had a boxing bout recently in New Zealand and this little scrapper has some serious heart that won't be overcome by lack of sponsorship while some girl who surfs half as good yet isn't shy of getting her kit off gets the big bucks.
The Outsider salutes you Ms Hareb. Kiwi accent and all.
Time for a soothing ale, sportsfans, after a quick late sesh at the 'Pop.
Cheers.
Comments
That was nice. "The Teachings of Don Double Juan" is my favorite Casteneda book.
Anyone else picture an editorial meeting at Swellnet to be something like a Flight of the Conchords band meeting at a small office complex that temporarily houses the New Zealand Consulate?
Ha! With an NZ tourist poster on the wall: "New Zealand - Down Underer"
Hope you're getting a few waves Nug. Of course when I say that what I mean is, 'it's pumping here and this is my opportunity to brag.'
Check it:
https://www.swellnet.com.au/reports/cronulla/daily
Love how you show simultaneous understanding and perplexion at the vicco surfing experience. Give yourself in to it, it is the only way to become one with it! Now where did I leave my 4/3...
Keep up the gonzo.
Did you chat with Freddy P after his heat? That was one hell of a brain explosion. Haven't seen a hissy fit in the water like that for a long time.
I'm not impressed with Kolohe, his surfing seems weak and bland compared to John Florence. I'm failing to see what the hype is about.
But he can do some big airs right?
I know Steve, that you're always shooting for the vanguard in terms of the next great-white-hope, (reynolds, wright and now florence) but let's hear what you think about Wilko and Melling et al. The two most underrated surfers on tour, no doubt.
How is Wilko not considered 'cool' with the industry? Did he do something wrong? Too much gutter-sleeping in the OC? fvcken fascists.
and how the fvck Jordy doesn't win every event is mindblowing. He's lost his mojo, i think he's blowing someone else's mind. amiright?
@Stu
Off its head over here. Rare beachbreak A-frames that you can hear cracking from the parking lot. Air drops until the fins catch and scratch back at the water like an unruly beast with talons. Hoots, Hollas, smiles, shit-eating grins. Arms churned like Amish butter. Neoprene dreams all around.
Hey yo Stu, what do you make of the fact that already three out of the front four Aussie sausages have been sent packing to those beautifully local painted showers/loos?
And old baldy is about to make it four.
Shades of the last two Aussie free semi and final events on your home clod, mate?... ;-)
What's the tune to that song again?...
doo dah, do dah.
BKS..... doh dah. doo dah.
The only thing missing was, J-Schmoo in the box, and mispronouncing Nick's last name wrong...
again!
Stiv, Shearer since you've garnered quite a few Seppos as fans, you may need to not only educate them on your reference to Mexicans, but update your ciggie huffing mate to the true intrinsic value of shares of News Corps. Which in my humble opine is that with a price to sales ratio of .1.4, a book value of 1.6, and gross margins of 33%, 2011 revenus of 33 BILLION, op income of 4.5 bil, total assets of 62 billion, and negligible levels of debt, the shares are undervalued by a factor of close to 2 times the current price.
As always, buy the dips, bru.... Buy on the negativity of those who do not know or even bother to crunch the numbers.
@Acid
Kolohe surfs like an over-cooked strand of angel hair pasta sliding down a roller coaster lubricated by the sweat from Mike Parsons' nether regions. Some people like that sort of thing. Think he just needs a few more years to hone his power game. Put some meatballs in his dish of tricks, so to speak.
"Hoots, Hollas, smiles, shit-eating grins. Arms churned like Amish butter"
Ha ha...love it, Nug. Just had a midday sesh at a rarely frequented bomby. A wee bit beguiling in the long period swell but just me and the seagulls to enjoy it. Neoprene dreams indeed.
Hey Roller,
If you're after a patriotic rise you've picked the wrong bloke. Could care less about rooting for my countrymen. I ain't got a tribal mind.
Nice to see Shearer's facial hair, fashioned to look like something a Vietnamese woman wears on her head, chatting it up with Kelly post heat. Fricken Kelly. Poor Nic.
Can easily see John John, Kelly, Jordy and Mick in semis. Kind of like that pier rat Simpson as a darkhorse though.
...forgot Joel. So smooth you forget about him sometimes. Plug him in instead of Jordy.
Wouldn't mind Jordy taking the title, if only for the winners speech. Also, might be sacrilegious but I've always thought Simpo rivalled Parko in terms of flow and style. Fella doesn't get due credit, at least not away from HB pier.
Might help if he won a trophy or too, I spose.
Hey StuNet, a regular surfer like ya'self shouldn't care who wins and don't ya hate that the surfing was on the mainstream TV last night... that's not great is it?? And Sheepy, can I request you make a comparison in your next summary similar to your Fiji /Manly comparison...something like Easter Bells to the Jim Beam Club finals at Ballina...that would be good...also Sheepy, can you do your best investigative journalism and check taxpayer funds in this event and the negativity there....maybe compare it to other major events that sports get funds for well run events -- just a little request seeing I didn't get a response from either in the other forum...I'm interested!
I don't watch the tele, Ando. Surfing was on there last night? Great!
Your point...?
Good question about the taxpayer funding Ando, it's a big subject that deserves further scrutiny and comparison.
I do intend to write about it further down the track.
I made the comparison between Manly and Cloudbreak in terms of surfing performance......both feature the top surfers. One seems a more cynical attempt to garner crowds on the beach ......
I think most surfers would rather see John Florence in Cloudbreak barrels than Sydney summer slop.
I don't buy your immediate response...I'm going to revisit your comments and reply because I reckon it was full of negativity and cynasism (spelling?)- -- and StuNet...my comments relate to your comments about you not understanding regular surfers to see surfing in the mainstream......
Negativity and cynicism to write about taxpayer funds being used to prop up the business model for Pro surfing?.......perhaps.
It's a development that seems to have crept in almost by stealth and I think it deserves scrutiny and comment.
I accept your proposition though that in comparison terms of other sports getting funds maybe it is justified.
Glad to see the issue being discussed. it should be.
Ando,
My comment wasn't about seeing surfing in the mainstream, it was about regular surfers wishing surfing would become a mainstream sport (which it isn't now).
Surely you'd appreciate the end result of surfing becoming more popular is more surfers in the water?
@freeride
Enjoyed this article Steve... well done IMHO, sounds pretty feral down there
Feral???
Nothing could be more civilised mate. I haven't put a jumper on since I been here and the waves have been pumping.
I heard there's some free booze happening at a meedya party tonight.
Pan-thuh mee-dah.
Define mainstream please Stu...and then give me 4 mainstream sport examples...thanks in advance.
Look mate, not to be rude, but if you don't understand what the word mainstream means I might just step out of this conversation.
@ Surferjoe. You're quite conflicted pal. How can you possibly call Victoria feral when you come from the arsehole of the world.
Yesterday you were slinging shit at Steve and now you're on your knees gobbing him off. As I've said before you are a sychophant and a fence sitter.
Decent piece anyway SS and look forward to seeing you up the ante over the next few days.
Geezuz its you again Eugene... fuckin pain in the arse
Have I got to fuckin school you in everything
I did like the article today so I told Steve straight
Yesterday I read some ah... inconsistencies in Steves article so I told him also. (or at least posted it under his article)
Give praise wheres praise is due fuckwit (in my humble opinion)
If you dont like what I say DONT FUCKIN READ IT!!! SIMPLE
GO AWAY... STOP BUGGIN ME I HAVE NO INTEREST IN THE SHIT YOU SPEW
FUCKIN STALKER!!!
nuggie,
at the tender age of 17, Kolohe is still a kid... and President Barry O and FLOTUS Michelle would not dig on you bullying children up in here.
even if it's merely verbal harassment of a keiki who pulls major crumbs.
its so fucken feral down here right now......crowds,traffic jams,mad pissed easter bunnys,groupettes,feral fat cats.....but the finals are upon us and it looks like great surf on sunday ....with no comp...so the real local feral fossils can get on with welcoming winter....and get some surf...
Steve Quote
" Feral???
Nothing could be more civilised mate. I haven't put a jumper on since I been here and the waves have been pumping. "
You still high and dry down there , Ripper Storm .......
Bells - feral?
In Murdoch country? Melbourne's favorite son?
I want to hear more from Carl, the car park designate 'bin' minder.
I have been sporadically tuning in to Bell's contest, and I admit I have missed everything of importance.
The only thing I am coming away with is Bell's doesn't impress!
Winki looks to be the place the contest should be held!
Moving on;
I enjoyed your reference to the 'Mexican surfer' being adaptable, and that instead of 'Double Juan' - try 'Juan doble' - yeah I know - it would go over the head of not so proximity aware ozzies. Then again, in this global village we now live - Mexican culture compares to Indo culture - minus the tacos!
Don't let Carl become a stranger to your future articles.
That that down-home attitude and knowledge is lacking from some opinions(I already take that back, most here seem to be on top of their game), is obvious, but the article and the comments were very interesting.
Yeah Southey.that front hit like a brick wall of wind.
Amazing squall line out to sea off Bells.
yeah they closed the freeway in Geelong ( south bound ) with a big accident . do you get picture messages on ya dog and bone ?
WHAT? Bell's postponed?
What about all those beautiful 'ramps' going to waste?
'dog and bone' = television
I like that!
Hey Stunett -- OK, I can't understand mainstream according to yourself...then what is Surfing in Australia if it's not already mainstream...according to some proper research, it's well inside Australia's top ten sporting participation activities? Not mainstream enough??
And Stunett, along with surfing's mainstream participation...it's also all through the mainstream media...so I'm confused about the regular surfers wanting surfing to be "mainstream"...oh...maybe you mean core regualar surfers? would that be it?