Fair suck of the sauce bottle.
Have a go you mug.
Can I bum a lobster off ya.
Yous are all drongos and galahs.

Couldn’t have been stuffed going to work the other day so I figured I’d chuck a sickie.
I was drier than a nun’s nasty so I thought bugger it, I’m off to the rubbity dub.
I got down there and the place was heaving, going off like a prawn in the sun.
I looked for Bruce the bartender, he was easy to spot because he fell out of the ugly tree at birth and hit every branch on the way down, I mean he’s got a face like the knot in the end of a sausage.
Poor bastard has also got legs so skinny we call him “the vagrant” as in, he’s got no visible means of support.
Anyway, Bruce is so busy he’s all over the place like a madwoman’s shit, he’s as busy as a bricklayer in Beirut, he’s as busy as a one-legged man in an arse kicking competition
So I finally get up to the bar and Bruce says “Do you want a drink or what?”
“Is the pope Catholic?” I says. “Is a frog’s arse watertight? Does a bear shit in the woods? Did Jesus play fullback for Jerusalem? Does Raggedy Ann have cotton tits? Does Ken have a polypropylene penis? Sorry actually no, he’s just got a molded lump, my mistake.”
Bruce just looks at me and says, “Mate if brains were dynamite, you wouldn’t have enough to blow your nose”.
So I finally got a drink and I saw this girl sitting by herself. She had a head that’d chase a robbers’s dog out of a butcher’s shop but I thought I’d see if she wanted some company.
“Fuck off mate,” she said, “I’d rather shit in my hands and clap.”
Totally stitched up.

Head like a beaten favorite , Dumb as Paint

mate from overseas did a tour of oz.. he asked me about backyard bbq etiquette, I just told him to turn up with a bottle of piss, and be prepared for lots of blowies as soon as you get your meat out.
said he didn't enjoy his trip much.

Pops wrote:

Old mate used to proudly announce "gotta go drop the kids off at the pool" before paying the dunny a visit.

That'd be because the lizard was poking it's tongue out

Either that or he was turtle-necking.

Have you got your Gold Wings or Red Wings Yet . . .

Fliplid wrote:

Pops wrote:

Old mate used to proudly announce "gotta go drop the kids off at the pool" before paying the dunny a visit.

That'd be because the lizard was poking it's tongue out

Mrs Brown's at the window.

Old mate bats both ways he doesn’t mind a tight brownie or a loose pinkie

Baby seal poking it's head out

Old mate talks so much he could talk(1) a glass eye to sleep (2) under water (3) the leg off a chair

Spitting the dummy

Keep your hat on

Talk under a pool full of cement with a mouth full of marbles.

Andy nailed it above.

As popular as a fart in a lift

Whoever coughed in their rompers …. Go outside and shake yourself

Lefty losers...wokey jokers...both groups a brick short of a wall...

Then theres the one that describes Jeffery...Not the full Quid!, hes gotta have two dicks, cant be that silly just pulling one!

It’s a confident man who farts in {insert any country that is known for getting the shits in} … where you are likely to “spray paint” the dunny

Bangs like a dunny door

GuySmiley wrote:

Bangs like a dunny door

On a windy night!

As happy as a night cart man with a terrier biting his leg

Andy M you're a tinnie short of a six pack with that diatribe!

His elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
He's a shilling short of a quid
Seen better legs on a lobster (for those with skinny legs)

He left a bloody dogs breakfast, I'm as mad as a cut snake....

I'm hungry enough to eat the crutch of a low flying seagull....

Gee he's tighter than a fish's arse. A cheap Charlie.

^^ call me whisper I never shout
The last time I shouted a dog bit me
He suffers from short arms and deep pockets

Better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick .

quadzilla wrote:

GuySmiley wrote:

Bangs like a dunny door

On a windy night!

...in a cyclone.

Bugger.
Running 'round like a chook with its head cut off.
Seen more pricks than a Pommy dartboard.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel.

AndyM wrote:

Couldn’t have been stuffed going to work the other day so I figured I’d chuck a sickie.

I was drier than a nun’s nasty so I thought bugger it, I’m off to the rubbity dub.

I got down there and the place was heaving, going off like a prawn in the sun.

I looked for Bruce the bartender, he was easy to spot because he fell out of the ugly tree at birth and hit every branch on the way down, I mean he’s got a face like the knot in the end of a sausage.

Poor bastard has also got legs so skinny we call him “the vagrant” as in, he’s got no visible means of support.

Anyway, Bruce is so busy he’s all over the place like a madwoman’s shit, he’s as busy as a bricklayer in Beirut, he’s as busy as a one-legged man in an arse kicking competition

So I finally get up to the bar and Bruce says “Do you want a drink or what?”

“Is the pope Catholic?” I says. “Is a frog’s arse watertight? Does a bear shit in the woods? Did Jesus play fullback for Jerusalem? Does Raggedy Ann have cotton tits? Does Ken have a polypropylene penis? Sorry actually no, he’s just got a molded lump, my mistake.”

Bruce just looks at me and says, “Mate if brains were dynamite, you wouldn’t have enough to blow your nose”.

So I finally got a drink and I saw this girl sitting by herself. She had a head that’d chase a robbers’s dog out of a butcher’s shop but I thought I’d see if she wanted some company.

“Fuck off mate,” she said, “I’d rather shit in my hands and clap.”

Totally stitched up.

You're pulling my chain.

Pops wrote:

AndyM wrote:

Couldn’t have been stuffed going to work the other day so I figured I’d chuck a sickie.

I was drier than a nun’s nasty so I thought bugger it, I’m off to the rubbity dub.

I got down there and the place was heaving, going off like a prawn in the sun.

I looked for Bruce the bartender, he was easy to spot because he fell out of the ugly tree at birth and hit every branch on the way down, I mean he’s got a face like the knot in the end of a sausage.

Poor bastard has also got legs so skinny we call him “the vagrant” as in, he’s got no visible means of support.

Anyway, Bruce is so busy he’s all over the place like a madwoman’s shit, he’s as busy as a bricklayer in Beirut, he’s as busy as a one-legged man in an arse kicking competition

So I finally get up to the bar and Bruce says “Do you want a drink or what?”

“Is the pope Catholic?” I says. “Is a frog’s arse watertight? Does a bear shit in the woods? Did Jesus play fullback for Jerusalem? Does Raggedy Ann have cotton tits? Does Ken have a polypropylene penis? Sorry actually no, he’s just got a molded lump, my mistake.”

Bruce just looks at me and says, “Mate if brains were dynamite, you wouldn’t have enough to blow your nose”.

So I finally got a drink and I saw this girl sitting by herself. She had a head that’d chase a robbers’s dog out of a butcher’s shop but I thought I’d see if she wanted some company.

“Fuck off mate,” she said, “I’d rather shit in my hands and clap.”

Totally stitched up.

You're pulling my chain.

Don't piss on my back and tell me it's raining :)

I'm so hungry I could eat a babies bum through a park bench.

I'm off like a prawn in the sun.
Going to see a man about a dog.

A few spokes short of a wheel.

Derek and Clive have a whole skit of this sort of stuff.

Barry McKenzie “Now listen mate, I need to splash the boots. You know, strain the potatoes. Water the horses. You know, go where the big knobs hang out. Shake hands with the wife’s best friend? Drain the dragon? Siphon the python? Ring the rattlesnake? You know, unbutton the mutton? Like, point Percy at the porcelain?”

you can't make strawberry jam outta pig shit no matter how much sugar you use

She had a head like a smashed crab.

I use bashed crab in my version. Gender fluid use.

Seeds, I'm busting- gotta shake hands with the unemployed.

Never heard that one Zen.
Does that mean one is going through a lean patch?

That made me chuckle out loud Zen.

Sadly seeds I've enployed that one from time to time.

Happily married now- long service leave.

Thanks Soggy, you're a rippa beudy bonza bottler of a bloke.

Was just looking at Zens pics on WOTD.
Some people couldn't drive a greasy stick up a dogs arse.

Couldn't pull a root in a brothel.
Couldn't organise a piss up in a brewey..

Head like a robbers dog…is one I use.

seeds wrote:

Head like a robbers dog…is one I use.

I use head like a smashed crab.

Ok just seen above its just been said

Blow ya groceries, for throwing up.

indo-dreaming wrote:

Blow ya groceries, for throwing up.

^ … and for packing your jaks?? Hehe

Where’s Wax24. I’d like his take on all this.
I wonder if he’s got a bag full of US sayings like this.
It’d be interesting to see the septic tank versions.